What Does It Mean to Be “Working on It”?

It’s something I hear all the time:

“We’re working on it.”

“I’m working on myself.”

“We’ve been working on our relationship.”

But when I hear that, I often want to gently ask:What does “working on it” actually look like?

Because here’s the thing—saying you’re working on it and actually doing the work are two very different things.

Are You Hoping Things Will Change… or Creating the Change?

When most people say they’re “working on it,” what they really mean is:

• We talked about it again the other night.

• We’re trying to communicate better.

• We know things need to shift.

  
  

And while awareness is an important first step, it’s not the whole step.

Real change happens when you stop relying on the same strategies that created the disconnection in the first place—and start learning new ones that actually build trust, repair, and intimacy.

Because let’s be honest…

If you're still having the same argument, still reacting the same way when triggered, still shutting down or blaming when things get hard…

…then you’re not really working on it. You’re talking about it. And there’s a big difference.

The Same Tools Will Get You the Same Results

You can’t build a stronger relationship with the same strategies that broke it down. You can’t resolve recurring conflict using the same logic, tone, and reactions that keep causing damage.

But this is what most couples do.They rehash the same argument, over and over, expecting a new result.They “try to do better,” without learning how to actually be different when it matters most.

That’s not working on it. That’s hoping it gets better while doing what feels familiar.

So What Is Working on It, Really?

Here’s what it actually looks like when you’re doing the work:

✅ You’re getting support—whether it’s from a coach, therapist, or someone who knows how to help you shift perspective, not just vent.

✅ You’re learning new tools and practicing them, especially when you feel triggered, defensive, or out of control.

✅ You’re looking at your part in the dynamic, not just pointing to your partner’s behavior.

✅ You’re taking responsibility for the way you show up—how you respond, what walls you put up, and what stories from your past still shape how you relate.

✅ You’re working to become more relational, not just “right.”

✅ You’re focused on repair and rebuilding trust, not just talking about what’s wrong.

It’s Not About Being Perfect—It’s About Showing Up Differently

Doing the work doesn’t mean you never fight or get triggered. It means you start noticing when you do. You pause. You reflect. You choose something different, even if it’s uncomfortable.

That’s where transformation begins.

And the truth is—if you want a different relationship, you have to start showing up as a different version of yourself.Not perfect. Not flawless. Just more self-aware, more intentional, more relational.

The Difference It Makes

When you truly work on it—

• Arguments don’t spiral as easily.

• Trust starts to rebuild.

• Emotional safety grows.

• You feel more seen and less defensive.

• You stop reacting like the protective child you had to be, and start responding from the wise adult you’re becoming.

You don’t just “talk about things.” You repair. You don’t just say “I’ll try.” You show it. You don’t just hope things get better. You make them better.

So Ask Yourself… Are You Really Working on It?

Be honest. Are you:

• Just going through the motions?

• Still waiting for your partner to change first?

• Avoiding the discomfort of growth by staying in old patterns?

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Or are you:

• Learning how to break those patterns?

• Choosing to communicate differently?

• Taking relational risks—like being vulnerable, honest, and open to feedback?

  
  

If you’re ready to actually do the work, I’m here.Not to judge, but to guide.Not to tell you what’s wrong, but to help you see what’s possible.

Because “working on it” can’t just be a phrase you say.It has to be a practice you live.

And when you do? The shift in your relationship is real, lasting, and deeply worth it.

Let’s stop spinning in the same cycle. Let’s actually work on it—together. Book a discovery call today and let’s explore what real change could look like for you.

Book a FREE Discovery Session