Are You Actually Committed to Changing the Relationship—Or Just Hoping They Will?

Let’s be honest.

It’s easy to want the relationship to feel better. To feel closer, easier, lighter.

But sometimes what we really want is for the other person to change so we don’t have to.

“If they’d just be more present...”

“If they could just communicate better...”

“If they weren’t so critical, or distant, or reactive...”

Sound familiar?

When you’ve been stuck in a painful pattern for a while, it makes sense to focus on the parts that hurt—especially the ones that feel out of your control. But the most powerful shift you can make in your relationship begins when you stop asking, “Why are they like this?” and start asking, “How am I showing up—and am I willing to do things differently?”

Are you truly open to change?

Saying you want things to get better is a beautiful starting place.

But real change often requires looking at parts of ourselves we’ve learned to protect—sometimes for years.

That might mean being willing to notice:

• When you shut down instead of speak up

• When you hold onto being “right” at the cost of connection

• When you subtly blame your partner, hoping they’ll fix what’s hurting inside you

It’s human to develop patterns that protect us. We all do it—especially in moments where we feel

judged, dismissed, or not enough. But those same patterns, the ones that once helped you feel

safe, might now be keeping you from the kind of relationship you actually long for.

What does real change look like?

Change doesn’t mean being the only one doing the work, or carrying the emotional load for the whole relationship. It means becoming more aware of how you show up—especially in those moments when things get hard.

It might look like:

• Speaking with more openness when you feel misunderstood

• Pausing instead of reacting when you’re hurt or angry

• Listening to understand, not just to defend your position

• Letting go of needing control, and learning to trust the process of connection again

It’s not about becoming someone else. It’s about coming home to the most grounded, present version of yourself—the one who can respond with compassion instead of fear.

When we’ve been hurt, we often develop survival strategies.

Some of us learned to stay quiet and not rock the boat. Others learned to keep control, make the rules, or stay two steps ahead. And some of us learned to put everyone else’s needs first to avoid conflict.

These strategies make so much sense when you understand where they came from. But they don’t usually work well in adult relationships. In fact, they often create more disconnection, even when we’re trying our best to love and be loved.

Here’s the good news: You have more influence than you think.

You can’t force someone else to change. But you can create an opening. A shift. A new tone.

And often, when one person shows up differently—with more presence, curiosity, and courage— the whole dynamic begins to soften.

That’s the power of relational leadership.

It doesn’t mean being perfect. It means being willing.

Willing to get honest. Willing to grow. Willing to repair.

So... are you really in?

Not just in the “I hope things magically feel better” kind of way.

Not in the “if they change, then we’ll be fine” kind of way.

But in the real, wholehearted, “I’m willing to look at myself and do the work” kind of way.

Because showing up for real change means stepping outside your comfort zone.

It means slowing down long enough to ask yourself tough but powerful questions:

• Am I truly listening, or just waiting for my turn to defend?

• Am I reacting from an old wound or responding from who I want to be today?

• Do I want connection more than I want to be right?

Being “in” doesn’t mean having all the answers.

It means being willing to stop blaming, start reflecting, and shift from survival mode into true relational presence.

It means recognizing that you have the power to influence the tone of the relationship—by

modeling respect, honesty, softness, and accountability, even when it’s hard.

It’s not easy. But it’s worth it.

Because staying stuck in the same dynamic will cost you far more—disconnection, resentment, loneliness—than doing the brave work of change.

So ask yourself:

Are you in?

Are you willing to stop focusing on how your partner should show up differently... and start

becoming the partner you want to be? Because when one person begins to shift the pattern, the entire relationship has a chance to shift too.

And it just might start with you.

You don’t have to do it alone.

If you're ready to shift out of blame, resentment, or disconnection—and into something more loving, honest, and sustainable—I can help.

Together, we’ll look at what’s really happening beneath the surface and uncover the patterns that are keeping you stuck. And then we’ll work on changing them—step by step.

Click here to schedule a free 30-minute discovery call and let’s talk about what’s possible

when both people feel seen, safe, and supported.

Because changing the dynamic doesn’t always take two people starting at once. Sometimes, it just takes one person going first.

And that person could be you.